


can't ever seem to let my mind out

by adamantine



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 04:17:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6455437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamantine/pseuds/adamantine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin should be happy Haru is his soulmate—they're dating after all—but instead it just makes him nervous.</p>
<p>(Soulmate AU where soulmates experience telepathy when they touch)</p>
<p>Written for Harurintercourse, Day 5: Bonds/(Soul)Mates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can't ever seem to let my mind out

The cafe door chimes. A group of teenagers, middle schoolers by the looks of them, spill in, shivering. A tall boy, maybe taller than Rin, brushes snowflakes off of a girl next to him. She giggles when his hand brushes her nose. Rin looks away, annoyed by their display. Haru is late.

He checks his phone again. No new messages from Haru. He scrolls up, past their _good mornings_ and _good nights_ and _I’ll definitely beat you next times_ until he reaches the address of the place Haru promised to meet him at. It hasn’t changed since the last time Rin looked at it, five minutes earlier. Rin is still in the right place.

The door chimes again. The sound is unwelcome in its familiarity. Rin doesn’t feel like looking up, doesn’t want to the deal with the disappointment again, so he misses the moment Haru finally walks into the cafe, misses the way Haru’s face lights up when he spots Rin.

“Rin,” Haru says when he reaches the table Rin has been waiting at. There’s snow all over his clothing. He hasn’t bothered to shake any of it off. It’s on his beanie, his scarf, his jacket—Rin averts his eyes, realizing it looks like he’s checking Haru out. Which he isn’t. “The train was delayed. An accident,” he says as he sits down across from Rin. His face is flushed, whether from the cold or something else, Rin doesn’t know.

Rin nods his understanding. He wants to brush the snow off of Haru, but he doesn't. Instead he asks Haru what he wants to order. Rin knows what he wants, he’s stared at the menu long enough. Haru goes for something sweet. Rin makes a face when it arrives, all sugar and fat. Haru is an athlete—he should care more about his diet.

When they finish finish eating, Haru flashes him a smile. It’s enough to make Rin’s heart race. He’s glad Haru isn’t touching him. They head for the theaters. Haru’s lateness means a later showing, but neither of them mind. Haru holds his hand as they walk in the snow. Rin is thankful for the winter. Both of their hands are gloved, and for once Rin isn’t afraid of the contact.

The exact moment Rin found out Haru was his soulmate is forever etched in his memory. It’s soon after he lets Haru and the rest of their relay team know he’s moving to Australia. Rin has touched Haru millions of times already; it’s the kind of person he is back then. It gives him a small thrill when Haruka doesn’t brush him off. He thinks nothing of resting his arm on Haru’s shoulder one afternoon while they wait for Makoto and Nagisa to join them. He doesn’t expect the sudden influx of emotions and sensations that aren’t his, that don’t make any sense. Neither does Haru. He yelps in surprise and backs away from Rin’s touch. It takes Rin a few moments to realize what has happened.

Telepathic touch bonds are rare. They only work with skin-to-skin contact. The overwhelming majority of bonds are between couples, but some bonds are between family and friends. No one knows why the ratio is so off, though some argue it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy—people see telepathic touch bonds as inherently romantic, calling them soul bonds and labeling the pair involved as soulmates, which in turn pressures them to see each other in a romantic light. Rin isn’t sure if he believes this. His parents are soulmates. His mother claims she fell in love with his father long before they discovered their bond—during their first kiss. Rin always found that story romantic. He wants to discover his soulmate the same way, but it doesn’t happen that way. Instead the discovery of his soulmate is confusing and comes at the worst possible time, just when they’re about to be separated. Haru gives him no opportunity to discuss their bond, and is pointedly careful to never let Rin touch his skin again. It isn’t until almost a year later that Haru touches Rin of his own volition, grabbing his hand as he runs away crying. What flash of his mind Haru saw, he doesn’t know. He was too distraught to register the grief and terror Haruka felt. They don’t touch again for years after that.

Things are different now. They’re older. They’ve made up. They’re even dating now, sort of. It’s complicated. In truth, Rin is afraid to even hold Haru’s hand. He doesn’t want Haru to see into his heart, to see how weak and damaged he truly is. The relay healed only a small part of what was wrong with him. It’s an important part, without it he will start to decay, but he still isn’t the same person he was at twelve. Years of self-loathing chipped away at his idealism, his optimism, leaving him broken and defensive, perpetually angry at the world. It’s hard to bounce back from that. He doesn’t know how to be an open person anymore. He’s always hiding some part of himself. Under no circumstances can he touch Haru.

Which wouldn’t be a problem if Rin didn’t want to touch Haru so badly. If only they were a normal couple. He could have kissed Haru a million times over by now, could have buried his face in the crook of Haru’s neck, could have hugged him tight. But they aren’t. He can’t do any of these things without risking opening up his entire heart to Haru. The only time he isn’t afraid to touch Haru is after the relay. He hugs Haru that day and it’s like discovering their bond for the first time. He feels empty when they break apart.

The movie is boring, but Rin cries anyway. Haru hands him a pack of tissues. Rin tries not to feel annoyed he’s predictable enough for Haru to know he’ll need them.

When it’s over they reach the part Rin is dreading. He doesn’t want to go back to Samezuka just yet. He feels as if he’s barely spent any time with Haru, even as the winter sun begins to set, saying otherwise. But their parting never comes. Haru asks him if he wants to spend the night. Rin says yes, even as his stomach churns in terror. Will Haru find it strange if he refuses to take his gloves off all night? He almost changes his mind and backs out, but his desire to be with Haru is strong enough to overcome the anxiety it causes him. He doesn’t get to see Haru all that often. The time they spend together is precious. Rin is happy that Haru wants to extend it.

It’s dark when they reach the stone steps to Haru’s house. Rin is quiet as they walk up. For once it’s Haru who is rambling, telling Rin he didn’t have a chance to clean up, that the living room will be cold since there was no one home to heat it while they were away, that he has leftovers to feed Rin—not mackerel to Rin’s surprise—if Rin is hungry. He is.

The house warms up in no time. The mess Haru warned him about is laughable. It’s nothing compared to what Rin deals with every day sharing a dormitory with Nitori. He tells this to Haru, and Haru gets a sullen look. Rin is happy for the distraction of food, but it doesn’t last. He doesn’t know what to do when they finish eating. Haru tells him to take a bath, he’ll bring out Rin’s futon in the meantime. His voice is oddly stilted. It tempts Rin to touch him, to read his thoughts and find out why Haru is acting so strange. Is the awkwardness between them because Haru regrets asking him over? Maybe Rin is just imagining things, projecting his own insecurities onto Haru. If only their connection didn’t go both ways.

Rin stays in the bath until all this fingers and toes prune. He doesn’t want to get out if it means going back to that unbearable atmosphere. He feels tongue tied around Haru, and Haru keeps rambling. It’s unnatural, the opposite of how things are supposed to be between them.

Rin’s mind is faraway when he walks into Haru’s bedroom. His hair is still wet and he hasn’t put on the shirt Haru laid for him yet.

“I laid out the futon for you, if you want to sleep.”

Rin tries to nod in response, but he’s not sure if his head moves at all. The futon is right at Haru’s bed. It’s too close, but if he moves it, what will Haru think?

Haru passes by him, heading out of the room for a bath. They’re both distracted. Rin is caught up in his mind, worried he won’t be able to fall asleep with Haru only a few feet away from him. It’s why neither of them expect the sudden invasion to their minds when Haru’s hand brushes against Rin’s bare arm. The connection is instantaneous and overwhelming, freezing them both in place. Haru is trying to avoid looking at him. He finds the water dripping down Rin’s bare chest distracting. He wants to lick it. He wants to run his hand down Rin. He wants to—

Haru pulls his hand away, mortified. Rin’s face heats up. He’s reeling. He’s filled with desire aimed at himself. It’s disorientating.

“Sorry,” Haru says, turning away. If Rin lets him walk way, they can pretend this never happened. They can go back to being careful not to touch.

Rin doesn’t want that.

He grabs Haru’s hand. The connection doesn’t surprise him this time. Haru is humiliated. He thinks his attraction to Rin disgusts him. He’s always careful to keep Haru from touching him. It’s obvious he isn’t interested in Haru that way.

“That’s not true,” Rin says. Haru is wrong, so wrong. He only has to think back to Haru gathering his schoolwork off of the table; seeing Haru’s hands made Rin picture himself sucking off his fingers. He’s definitely attracted to Haru. He’s just afraid.

“Afraid of what?” Haru asks.

“I’m not the person I used to be.” He doesn’t want to disappoint Haru, doesn’t want Haru to see the bitterness in his heart. He can’t stop the flood of memories that jump to his mind. Being in Australia and watching his times get further and further behind his teammates. Pretending nothing is wrong when his mother calls. The bitter jealousy he feels seeing Rei swim with Iwatobi. Torturing himself by walking to Iwatobi Elementary School during the summer festival.

Haru pulls away. Rin’s heart shatters. He was right. Haru doesn’t want to share his soul with someone like Rin. His throat seizes up. He’s going to cry, and he hates himself for it.

Haru hugs him. Buries his face in Rin’s neck. Rin is revived.

“Rin.” Haru’s thoughts are a warm blanket to Rin’s cold heart. Haru regrets not touching Rin sooner. “I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve ran after you.” He means the day of their race.

“No!” Rin shouts it because it’s important. “It’s not your fault, it was never your fault.” Haru quit swimming because of him. Haru, who loved the water more than anything, quit because of the guilt Rin caused him. It wasn’t right. Rin is angry at himself.

“Stop, Rin. It’s in the past.” He senses the way Rin’s guilt is threatening to spiral out of control. He pulls back and looks Rin in the eye. His arms are still around Rin, keeping their connection. He hates seeing Rin in pain, hates seeing him hurt. It’s worse than being in pain himself.

“Sorry,” Rin says, apologizing.

Haru makes a derisive sound. “Don’t apologize for feeling things. Being anxious about seeing you upset is my problem, not yours.” He doesn’t want Rin to feel as though he needs to be happy and cheerful all the time. He’s allowed to be angry and hurt. Haru can deal with it. What would make Haru happiest is Rin not holding back around him. “What do _you_ want, Rin?”

Rin thinks about it. With Haru in his mind, it’s hard to lie to himself. He’s been afraid for so long, he’s avoided admitting he wants Haru to accept him, to share that connection with him. His old ideas about how romantic it is to share a soul bond with someone pop into his mind. What if he never transferred to Iwatobi, never met Haru. He would have lost his chance to meet his soulmate. Meeting each other is miracle.

“Stay.” He means now, he means always. “I want to touch you.” He stops holding back, stops trying to deny the way Haru makes him feel. It’s his own lust that fills him, not Haru’s, but the way it echoes back at him through Haru intensifies the experience. They’re not even doing anything yet, and it’s enough to make him feel woozy. What will it be like if they kissed?

“Let’s find out.” Haru kisses him and it sets off an explosion inside of him, his awareness expanding from Haru’s lips and how good it feels to kiss him, to sensing the way Haru feels as he kisses him. Rin’s lips are soft. Haru sucks on them, and gasps. He can feel Rin’s pleasure.

“You really liked that,” Haru says.

“You don’t have to say it out loud,” Rin says. It embarrasses him.

Haru likes when he’s embarrassed. It’s cute.

“I’m not cute,” Rin whines. Haru is cute, not Rin.

Haru’s face heats up. Rin wouldn’t have noticed it on his own, but he can feel it as it happens. Haru likes to pretend he’s unaffected by Rin’s words, but he isn’t.

“You’re cute, Haru.”

“Shut up,” Haru mumbles. “You’re much cuter. You’re beautiful.” He says it casually, but his words make Rin’s heart jump. Rin never thinks of himself as beautiful—who would be that arrogant—but to Haru it’s like stating a fact. “Because it _is_ a fact.”

Haru kisses him again and they stagger backwards, until they reach Haru’s bed. For a moment Haru thinks about taking them to the bathroom, he would like to have a bath with Rin, but Rin’s immediate “No!” makes him give up on that idea. For now. Rin groans, over his dead body will he ever give in to Haru’s bath fantasies.

“You’re overestimating the size of your bath tub.” Rin is lying on his back, his hands tangled in Haru’s hair. Haru’s hair is soft, and he likes it when Rin tugs it.

“You’re underestimating it,” Haru counters.

Haru reaches between Rin’s legs. They’re both hard; it’s why Haru wants to touch him, but Rin panics anyway.

“What is it?” Haru asks, confused by the images in Rin’s mind. Rin pushes him off, he doesn’t want Haru in his mind. Haru is hurt, but he backs away. He trusts Rin.

“How do I know this is real? That it’s not just my own feelings being reflected back at me?” The loss of contact sobers his mind. Haru wants him, wants to touch him, that much he’s sure. But did he reach for Rin’s cock of his own accord, or was it because he senses the way Rin is craving friction? Does it matter?

Since Haru is no longer touching him, he’s able to be surprised by his answer. “We can put a plastic sheet between us. Then you’ll know for sure.”

Rin stares at him. “What.”

“You know, like plastic wrap for food.” Haru’s face is serious.

Rin grabs his hand, and it’s as he thought, Haru is laughing at him.

“You’re a jerk,” Rin says. His anger doesn’t effect Haru at all.

“It would make clean up easier, I’m sure.”

Rin kicks him and regrets it when the sharp pain from his kick is reflected back at him.

“Rin, I mean it.” Haru’s mind is serious now. “We don’t have to touch directly, if you don’t want to.”

The gesture is enough for Rin. “Thank you.” But right now he doesn’t want any barriers between them.

With Rin’s nerves soothed, Haru kisses him again. Rin is annoyed Haru is still wearing a shirt. Seconds later, Haru makes it disappear. _Good_ , Rin growls, and he’s not sure if he says it out loud or in his head.

Haru straddles him, and does what he’s wanted to do for ages: he feels Rin’s  chest. His hands are everywhere. Rin is burning up. Haru knows it; it delights him.

Annoyed, he grinds his hips against Haru. A mistake, the burst of want from Haru doubles back on him, and he pushes harder against Haru to trigger it again.

“Stop that,” Haru says.

“Why?” Haru wants him to keep going. At least, that’s what his body wants.

“I’m not going to last like this.” He doesn’t want to come before Rin has even taken his pants off.

“So?” _Don’t last then_ , Rin thinks.

Haru pinches him. The sharp stab of pain brings him clarity. Haru thinks Rin is too caught up in what he’s feeling, and is forgetting himself. He’s not entirely wrong. But with the way Rin can sense his pleasure it doesn’t feel like he’s neglecting himself. On the contrary, it feels like he’s seeking his own satisfaction.

“Fine,” Rin relents. “Pants off.” He feels cocky, self-assured, and it hits him some of that is from Haru. Deep down Rin is nervous. But Haru is eager. Rin is losing track of himself.

He pulls away from Haru again as they undress. The lose of contact is strange, but welcome. Haru seems to be gathering his own sense of self. Maybe they _should_ use saran wrap, Rin thinks pathetically.

“I have lube,” Haru says, “I bought it when we first started going out.” A few months ago then. Haru confessed after swim practice one day. Rin was thrilled, and then his anxiety crept in, keeping their relationship from moving forward.

“Okay.” Rin nods. He waits for Haru to get it. He feels stupid sitting naked in Haru’s bed. He half expects Haru not to come back. But Haru does, and it takes them only a moment to decide what to do next.

Rin wants him, he’s sure of it at that moment at least. There’s something about the way Haru craves him. The attention feels good. He thinks it will feel even better with Haru inside him. He tries to will down his memories, but that only makes Haru curious. He’s angry to let Haru see them; he doesn’t want Haru to know how pathetic he is. He’s fingered himself before and he likes the way it feels. Sometimes when Nitori is home with his parents for the weekend, he’ll spend the night imagining Haru fucking him.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Haru says, licking the corners of his eyes. Tears have been forming, but Haru’s reaction makes them stop. Rin’s memories have turned him on. He can barely restrain himself from pushing Rin down. “You’re not the only one.” Haru jacks off to him in the bath. He has a special bath gel he likes to do it in.

Rin snorts. “Sorry,” he apologizes immediately, not wanting to hurt Haru’s feelings. But he doesn’t need to, Haru knows perfectly well Rin is only amused by the fact Haru chooses the bath tub over his bed.

“You should try it.” Haru is unscrewing the bottle, coating his fingers in lube. “I promise it’ll feel good.”

Rin has to admit it’s tempting, but only because Haru is in his head. He would deny it normally. He doesn’t want to get caught up in Haru’s pace.

“We’ll see then.” Haru fully expects him to give in. Rin bites his lip, annoyed. It’s hard to argue with someone who knows what he’s thinking.

Haru begins to stretch him out. It gives Rin the strangest déjà vu, and he doesn’t understand why—until he realizes Haru knows what he likes from his memory. His face grows hot.

“Rin, relax.” Haru kisses his forehead. But Rin can’t relax, his throat is seizing up for some reason. “Rin, I want you to feel good. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset.” Right? He tries to make sense of his emotions. “It’s just weird.” He doesn’t want to think of himself when Haru is touching him.

Haru smiles and thrusts his fingers into Rin in a way that’s completely unfamiliar. The shock curls around him, and makes Haru close his eyes. They’re both taken back by the intensity of what Rin feels.

“Okay,” Haru says, “I think understand now.” Haru isn’t there to be Rin’s perfect fantasy of him. Rin wants the real Haru.

Haru is finished prepping him. He lines he cock up with Rin’s hole, and Rin feels his uncertainty—how can he fit inside of Rin? It doesn’t feel possible. But Rin knows it is, and he’s getting anxious. He wants Haru inside of him already. So Haru bites back his worry and pushes himself inside of Rin.

Rin is tighter than Haru thought possible, and it’s only Rin’s eagerness to be filled that keeps him going.

“I’m in,” Haru says. He doesn’t need to—Rin’s insides squeezing Haru’s cock is all either of them can feel at the moment. But he can’t help it—it’s too amazing. He fits inside of Rin’s body, like he was made to be there.

“Romantic,” Rin snaps. He meant it to be teasing, but he feels restless with Haru inside of him, not moving. He wiggles his hips, and it makes both of them groan. “Get on with it.” He doesn’t mean to sound so pushy, but the combination of his need and Haru’s is making his cock ache.

Luckily Haru finally gets it. He thrusts into Rin, and Rin’s mood instantly changes. He’s tight; Haru is filling him. He feels both things at once. Haru watches him. He can’t get enough of the view of Rin under him. His face is flushed, his hair is splayed around the pillow, his nipples are erect. The detailed portrait of himself in Haru’s mind is embarrassing, but he can’t even manage to feel that way for more than a few seconds because Haru’s lust from seeing him look so wanton is drowning it out.

He brings Haru down, wraps his arms around Haru’s back. Haru can’t look at him anymore. Problem solved. But that only frees up Haru to speed up his rhythm, no longer distracted, and search for the spot he knows Rin has. When he finds it, Rin cries out and digs his nails into Haru’s back.

“It feels good, Haru.” He says it even though he doesn’t have to, because it makes Haru drive into him harder. Haru likes the way it feels when Rin whispers into his ears. “Haru,” he calls out again. “Haru.” He keeps calling out Haru’s name, whispering it against him, feeling the way his breath makes the hair on Haru’s neck stand up.

Haru loves him. It’s not a thought Haru has. It’s the underlying emotion behind his every action. Rin only realizes this now, with Haru pushing into him like his life depends on it, because all of his walls have crumbled down. There’s nothing he’s trying to hide anymore, and it lets him see what should have been obvious all along. Haru loves him. That’s why Rin being in pain hurts him, why Rin’s happiness is important to him, and why he wants to touch Rin. It’s not because of some mystical bond. It’s not Rin’s emotions spilling over into him. Haru’s love exists without Rin reciprocating. The miracle isn’t that Haru is his soulmate—the miracle is that they feel the same way about each other.

Happiness envelopes him. Haru’s happiness, his happiness. “You finally understand then.” Haru is looking at him, love on his face. He laces their fingers together.

“I love you,” Rin says.

“I love you too,” Haru rolls hips, and it’s the final push Rin needs. He comes, and tightens around Haru even more. His pleasure drags Haru along. He’s coming inside of Rin, and it’s messy, but it thrills Rin. He’s wanted to feel this at least once.

They’re both panting when it’s over, a messy tangle of limbs. Rin feels like it’s been hours, but a glance at Haru’s clock says otherwise. Haru perks up, he’s already thinking about going again. Rin head-butts him. It’s more of a nuzzle. “Do you want to kill me? I’m already going to be sore tomorrow from this.”

“We—“ Haru begins to speak, but Rin is already screaming in his mind. Haru is about to suggest they take a bath together. They won’t be sore from that. Haru promises he’ll just give Rin a handjob—nothing else, he promises.

“No,” Rin says, but his protest is weak even to his own ears. A bath does sound soothing.

“I’ll carry you,” Haru offers.

Rin’s pride says no, there’s no way he’ll let Haru carry him. But Haru can see past his pride. He would very much like Haru to carry him. So Haru does.

“If you drop me, I’ll kill you,” he says, and nuzzles against Haru for real this time, hiding a smile. Not that it matters since Haru can tell he’s smiling anyway—they’re soulmates, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I never write fiction in present tense. This is weird.


End file.
